"The Irresistible Revolution"

I began reading a book by Shane Claiborne called “The Irresistible Revolution”.  I had heard a little of his story from videos on YouTube and bought this book thinking that it was simply his story in expanded form. I was in for a big surprise; it was so much more.

Shane Claiborne grew up in Kentucky and became a Christian in his teens. Before going graduating high school, he had begun asking, “What if Jesus really meant what he said in the gospels?” He never got any satisfactory answers before going off to college at Eastern University.  Once there, he met Christian students who were asking the same question and seeking the answer. One night, some friends invited him to go with them into a “bad” neighborhood and spend the night with the poor. He went that night…and the next…and the next. Eventually, he and a small group of friends moved into that neighborhood and began living out the church as portrayed in the book of Acts. Living among the poor and getting to know them, Shane said, “I thought I was going to bring the gospel to them; instead, they have brought it to me.” His community, The Simple Way, continues to live in the inner city among the poor and homeless, transforming the neighborhood through love.

As I read through the book, the Lord Jesus challenged “my gospel” with the hard reality and beauty of his own. What I thought was going to be a simple autobiography turned out to be that and so much more. Shane’s insight into the scriptures – scriptures that I had become real good at explaining away comfortably – began to corner me with the truth of the gospel, a gospel that up to that point I would have said I was living. I was not even close.

I began to be very disturbed by the gospel of Jesus Christ. I began reading through the gospels and seeing them in a whole new light. I began seeing that somehow, I had drifted a long way away from the gospel of Jesus. I was merely asleep in the current of Americanized christianity, a neutered, cross-less aberration of the gospel.  Jesus, with his earthy and plain gospel of love, was staring me down and would not leave me alone.

And it was all Shane Claiborne’s fault.

The Emerging And The Ruined

As the journey toward inner revolution began, I began to realize that I was out of touch with my world and the current state of the church across the board. I began going to YouTube, BeliefNet, and other websites seeking out new vistas and viewpoints. Some years before I had heard of the Emerging Church and was familiar with the name of some of the leaders therein. I began to look up folks like Tony Jones, Frank Viola, Mark Driscoll, Rob Bell, and Brian McLaren (to name a few), and  to read whatever I could get my hands on.

The Emerging Church is hard to define. They refuse to call themselves a “movement”. They prefer the term “conversation” because it’s on-going and non-solidified. A movement would have parameters of doctrine and beliefs, but a “conversation” would have only open dialogue and seeking of common ground to work from.  There is also a “conversation” that refer to themselves as “Emergent”, but at the moment, I forget what the main differences are. (I read a terrific article by Christianity Today that explained the differences and characteristics very well; I highly recommend it.) An online friend who is into a more conservative branch of the Emerging Church conversation was a huge help to me at this point in the journey.

Much of what I discovered on this leg of the journey was that the Church in America had failed miserably to not only reach the culture but to try to understand or show compassion. I’m not talking about what passes in the media as tolerance these days. I’m talking about a refusal by the Church to live the gospel of Jesus Christ in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Instead, American Christianity has created its own gospel (the prosperity gospel) which, as St. Paul said, is really no gospel – no good news – at all. The culture has seen priest sex abuse scandals and seeming cover-ups; greedy and immoral televangelists living extravagant lifestyles; fundamentalists zealots who picket funerals of homosexuals with signs saying “God hates fags”; and evangelicals who equate Christianity with patriotism and being Republican. The Church, which should be a safe place, a sanctuary, a refuge of hope and love, has instead become (in large part, not all) an unsafe place, filled with prejudice, hatred, self-righteousness, commercialism, consumerism, rejection, and condemnation toward all who disagree, even other Christians. Now, I may not agree with all of the accusations and I certainly don’t agree with some of the reactions and answers that have come down the pike, but these issues have to be faced head-on, looked at, and repented of (if necessary) by the Church in America. Some of the Emergent guys want to re-invent the wheel; some want to return to the ancient practices of the early Church, but with a modern twist here and there. I don’t believe that is the answer. I believe the Church should publicly repent wherever it finds itself guilty of any charge and should seek to live the true gospel, the good news that Jesus Christ came declaring and demonstrating as laid out essentially in the Sermon on the Mount and in the Gospels. Still, in all of this searching, I discovered that I was guilty of many of the charges above. To be frank, I was a self-righteous ass-hole. Repentance had to begin (as it always does) with my own heart. And while I did find a lot of helpful insights and truth among the Emerging conversation, there were two men on the fringes of the evangelical mainstream who were to have the most impact upon my crumbling christianity – and still are to this day: Tony Campolo and Shane Claiborne.

The Awakening

One day, while sitting in my office, the thought occurred to me that I was insulated from the world, and the needs of the world, the same world I was hoping to reach with the love of Jesus. Every day, I was together with people who think like me, dress like me, talk like me, and look like me. We all use the same jargon and we all believe the same things.  While that can be a good thing, for me it had become a smug, self-satisfied hiding place.  It was a tight-fitting cocoon that gave me an air-tight excuse for not engaging with the world – or anyone, for that matter.  I rarely even saw the guys that I worked with because we were always behind closed doors (granted, mostly for legitimate reasons: counseling, privacy, etc.).  This realization exposed two things: my own apathy towards the needs of others and my own gargantuan, smug self-righteousness.  I was satisfied with my own brand of christianity and was an expert at excusing myself from any real interaction with others, and I was also an expert at explaining why Jesus didn’t really mean what he was clearly saying. I had become a self-satisfied, self-righteous jerk; a pharisee of the first order.

Recently, I reviewed my ordination and calling as a deacon. In the Book of Common Prayer (1979), in the liturgy for the ordination of a deacon, you’ll find the following statements explaining my specific calling:

“In the name of Jesus Christ, you are to serve all people, particularly the poor, the weak, the sick, and the lonely.”

“You are to interpret to the Church the needs, concerns, and hopes of the world.”

“At all times, your life and teaching are to show Christ’s people that in serving the helpless they are serving Christ himself.”

And one of my ordination vows reads, “Will you seek for Christ in all others, being ready to help and to serve those in need?” My answer, my vow: “I will.”

In truth, without knowing it, I had become insulated and withdrawn from Jesus, the very same Jesus that I claimed to know and follow.

Looking back, the coming of the realization that I was hiding in a self-righteous, self-satisfied persona of holiness and spirituality was really God’s mercy and love to me.  Jesus was answering that simple prayer that I had prayed weeks earlier (see  previous post,”A Holy Discontent”) and was waking me up from my smug, self-induced slumber.  Little did I know, He was also waking me up to what it means to follow him.

The Unspeakable Quote

It’s important to keep in mind that, in the beginning of my ruining, the Lord was bringing several things to a head, like a number of individual cars on separate roads all speeding toward the same intersection, destined to arrive at the same time. A collision was inevitable, but necessary.

A week or so before I had the conversation in the previous post, I remembered a Christian speaker that I had heard twice in my teenage years and had always liked. His name is Tony Campolo. I was trying to look up some of his stuff online when I stumbled upon a quote that he had made many years ago. This quote, unknown to me at the time, was going to be God’s divinely ordained catalyst that would ignite the ruinous fires of God’s revolution in me. Here’s the quote:

“I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. Third, what’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.”

When I first read it, I thought, “Cool! That’s radical!” But, as I read it again and again, I found myself thinking, “That’s cool, what he’s saying and all, but really he should’ve said it more pastorally…or more like this, using this word instead of…”. It was in the middle of that line of thought that a shocking realization occurred: I was one of those people who was more concerned that he said shit than I was that 30,000 kids die of starvation every night! I am a Pharisee. In a divine flash, I could feel the pain of God over all those dying kids – and that it was intensified by my own cold, religious, pharisaic indifference!  Jesus was grieved deeply and it moved me not!  I can’t put into words what took place in me, except to say a deep, profound, foundational repentance. I was too stunned in my pride to weep, but I repented sincerely and deeply.

At that moment, I began to cry out to Jesus for his gospel and no other. I didn’t want to be a Republican, Democrat, liberal, conservative, moderate, evangelical, charismatic, or even Christian (the American caricature of it, anyway) – I wanted to simply be a follower of Jesus. No one else, nothing else.  I repented of Americanized Christianity and asked Jesus to accept me as his disciple and follower and to teach me his gospel. And, praise his name, he is doing just that. But even that has had a few surprises involved (but more on those later)…

One thing I realized early on was this: that I sit in an office in my clerics every day and do mostly the same things everyday. I rarely talk to anyone because we all have our duties and appointments and we’re all busy behind closed doors. And frankly, if people walked in off the street needing groceries or financial assistance, I would inwardly get pissed off and see it as an interruption! After Jesus ignited the catalyst mentioned above, I realized that I sit every day in the same office; I’m surrounded with people who dress like me, talk like me, look like me, use the same “church language” as me – I wasn’t having any effect on anyone!  I was insulated from people inside and outside of the church. And sadly, in my arrogance, I was smugly satisfied with myself, fully convinced in my own mind that I was doing the will of God!  I had become real good at explaining why Jesus didn’t mean what he was plainly saying; I was real good at getting out of doing things that I just didn’t want to deal with, but excusing myself in such a way that I appeared to be so righteous and spiritual and holy. (It makes me sick to think about it now.) I was numb and slumbering, all the while believing that I was one of the few who were feeling and awake.

Thank God for his mercy to me, a fool and a pharisee.

A Holy Discontent

The journey began with a restless slumber. Not a physical sleep; I was spiritually asleep. I had become unsatisfied with the answers that were being offered by the news media (liberal or conservative), by the political parties (Republican or Democrat), and American Christianity.  My ministry itself was in a stagnant, non-flowing state, and my personal motivation had slowed down as much. Every vantage point was bland and uninspired. I wasn’t depressed, mind you; but I was somewhere between slumber and consciousness. The beginning of my awakening would be ignited from an unlikely source.

An old friend posted an article by a former evangelical who was now an agnostic or atheist on his Facebook page. In the article, the author was debunking the bible and explaining his reasons for abandoning Christianity. My friend who posted it was not offering any explanation of his own views, so I contacted him and asked him. I was interested in knowing because he had been largely responsible for my own coming to Christ; he actually baptized me. So, I asked him, and his answer didn’t really surprise me.

He explained that he didn’t believe in Christianity anymore. He explained that he didn’t like to talk about it because of two reasons: 1) people want to argue with him, especially those who knew him as a youth minister; and 2) people want to convert him. Either one he was not going to do, he told me. I told him I understood (which I did) and that he didn’t have to fear either one from me.

The timing could not have been better. I was already becoming disenchanted with American Christianity, as well as I my own spiritual impotence and listlessness.  I loved Jesus, but the answers that I had become so comfortable with were no longer answering the questions. To be more specific, the answers weren’t completely wrong, they just didn’t seem to fit anymore. They filled in the blanks, but only partially – and with a lot of gaps in between the words and ideas they were formed from. They were more like Band-Aids placed on long, deep, gaping lacerations… like pieces of new, unshrunk cloth being used to patch old wineskins.

A month before the above took place, I had prayed a simple yet very sincere prayer: “Lord Jesus, I want to do away with all other titles – Republican, Democrat, Charismatic, Evangelical, whatever – I want only to be your follower. Please lead me into your gospel and make me your follower.”  I didn’t even feel comfortable with the title of “Christian” because of what I saw in American Christianity. As far as I can tell, he took me up on that prayer. He’s answering.

The journey begins.

Introduction

This is the record of a revolution.

This is the record of how God wrecked my ideas of Christianity and has begun to replace them with His own.

My name is Gary. I’ve been a Christian for 30 years. I am the worship leader and an ordained deacon in my denomination. I’ve always wanted to be a radical follower and disciple of Jesus, so I’ve been joyfully surprised to discover (by the goodness of God) that I had fallen asleep in my faith and had grown satisfied with a pale, comfortable Christianity. This little blog is the story of and the ongoing record of my waking and my ruining. As the Lord began to call me to His gospel, His Christianity, I began to realize that my life, my ideas, my own brand of Christianity was ruined. And I’m very thankful, because I’m being ruined by the compassionate love of God – for me and for others. I’ll never be the same…thanks be to God!